i need help.

here’s the truth. i have never fallen in love and I’m inexperienced with love. i associate with the opposite gender with awkward gestures because I literally have no idea how to talk to them.and now, someone tells me theres a guy at school who has a crush on me for a year already. and only confessing to his best friend which coincidentally was my best friend as well when i was moving to another freaking state. like great thanks a lot. i mean, at first i was kinda pissed because i was having a breakdown because i was moving away and all of a sudden, some guy likes me? thanks really. make my leave more painful why don’t ya? but lol, on his birthday, my best friend made me wish him and i did, and.. we got talking. we’d text and i’d call him every night and the weird thing was we never were a couple. he’d call me some endearments name and i did too. and then suddenly my best friend asks “Do you actually like him, or do you just like the idea of love? Of having someone to throw you affection?” and that hit me pretty hard. i guess i was lonely and someone was offering their love and i’d blindly grabbed it without thinking. and i felt guilty of course. i tried to ignore him because i couldn’t hurt him, i couldn’t. he thought i was mad and shit and it got annoying and i just stopped messaging him. here’s the thing, it always me doing the first move. but see, who was the one who was stupid enough to fall in love with me? him. so shouldn’t he be the guy in the relationship? i had ego okay. it wasn’t up to a level it became arrogance, but i had ego that would keep my dignity intact. and now, after 4 months of not talking and passing him as if i never talked to him fucking hurts. it hurts. but what hurts more is the fact that he hates my fucking guts. i never intended to hurt him. when i realised i was only there for the affection, i quickly pulled back. but it hurts when i see him somewhere and i know he can sense my presence as well but he blatantly ignores it.  i’d like to say hello to him or throw in a friendly smile. a gesture to let him know i wasn’t going to ignore him completely. and now I’m a complete messed up piece of shit who actually misses him. makes me seem pathetic and desperate i fucking hate it. 

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